Recent FAQ’s

“The most important things we keep close to our chests.”—Britney King, HER

A few weeks ago, I sent out a survey to my email list. I realized in reading some of the responses that it’s been a while since I’ve done a Q&A. Below are some of the questions that were asked most often and my replies to them.

1.    I really miss your old blog posts about the lessons you learned. I feel like you always said the things I was feeling but couldn’t say. You transitioned away from that. Why? I miss it. Will you share one lesson you’ve learned lately? 

What a kind and thoughtful thing to say. Thank you. I transitioned for a lot of reasons but mostly because my heart lies in fiction. But sure, I’ll share a lesson I’ve learned (it’s a big one) which may also help explain the transition. 

For a bit of context, here is an excerpt from an email I recently received. This is one of the milder, tame ones. 

“Britney, Thank you for your free offer of your book Bedrock. However, I read over a thousand books a year; I read Arcs for well known best-selling Authors, Publishing Houses, and Beta Read. My criteria are, no smutty, sorry, steamy books. My personal belief is; if an author has to resort to this type of writing, something is wrong. It is the same for using the f word; then the author’s vocabulary is stunted, needs to be expanded. I am being frank, and I know it, I am not trying to insult you; I am saying, I have way too many exciting thrillers, cozy mysteries, Biographies, Historical Romances to be read, that I do not; will not read this type of smut.”

Context out of the way, from the time I was a little girl I can remember walking into a room or space and taking the temperature of it, so to speak. I wanted to feel good and I wanted everyone around me to feel the same. But—if what I felt in that space was less than desirable I made sure to do what I could to change it. It could be a dance, it could be standing on my head, it could be giving more of myself than I really wanted—or could reasonably give. Whatever the case, I performed. Not so much changed as I grew up. It wasn’t until I had a child who is very much like me in that sense that I fully understood what I wished I’d known all along… 

It never was and never is my responsibility to make anyone else happy. 

In order to set a good example, I decided to let go. As in not another f*ing day.

I let go of needing others to understand why I said what I said (or wrote) and what I really meant by it. 

I let go of the need for others to understand that I mean well even though I don’t care what they think. 

I let go of a big wad of caring about how I am perceived by others who have in actuality no way of really perceiving. And how could they? They have not walked where I’ve walked, they don’t know what I know, they don’t know what I want, and they may not believe what I believe. And vice versa. That’s okay. Part of the beauty of life is the variety that can be found within it.

For a long time, my need for other people to understand me was exhausting. And when they didn’t I used to take a bit hit. I used to let it consume my energy. 

The greatest gift I have ever given myself is to be completely misunderstood and not care. And the reason I don’t care about people understanding me (or not) is because what I do care about is feeling good and I realized I couldn’t have both. This goes for the minor players in life as well as the major ones.

Obviously, particularly in today’s climate, it’s a lesson that sounds easier said than done. But it isn’t. 

In situations like the one above it helps to say very specific things and not a word more. Things like: No problem at all. I am not insulted. I wish you the best. 

It helps if you mean them. And I do. 

In situations that are a bit deeper than the one referenced above, I usually go for one of these:

I want your wellbeing more than anything. But it is not my responsibility to provide all of the avenues for your wellbeing. 

I am only willing to participate in relationships that are respectful and loving. When you are ready to resume a respectful, loving relationship, I am happy to talk. If you’re not ready yet, it’s okay. I will be here when you are. 

2.   What’s the most transformative book you’ve ever read? 

Yikes. In HER, Sadie says, “I guess the most important things we keep close to our chests.” That’s a bit how I feel about answering this question. At the same time, I don’t want to be a liar. So, the one that’s on my heart at the moment, is one that changed my life. It’s not going to be a book that is for everyone. But I found it beautiful. The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. The chapter The Magical Kitchen, I believe, has the power to transform lives. It did mine. 

3.  I like it when authors share glimpses of their lives. Why don’t you share your family on social media or in your emails? 

Just like in Sadie’s quote above, it’s much of the same. I made the decision very early on not to share my children on social media in regard to my work and then slightly later, not at all. For one, I’m more of a private person than many people assume. Secondly, I’d never want anything I write to affect them negatively in any way.  My family is actually quite proud of me and they don’t agree with my decision. My adult children often ask why I don’t share things about them online. My husband has asked the same. I guess I sort of feel protective and want to respect those relationships, as I know what the opposite feels like. All in all, it’s just a personal preference. It’s something I feel is right for now. It may change in the future, or maybe not. I really want the focus of my work to be on the enjoyment of reading it, versus my personal life, although I understand the fine balance required for writers these days. 

4.  What is HER really about? I’m scared to read it.

Overall, HER covers the dark side of female relationships. But equally—it’s about every relationship anyone has ever had they knew was terrible for them. It’s for those of us who swam for the deep end anyway, treading water because it seemed like more fun than sitting on the sidelines. It’s about the lessons learned along the way. And knowing better the next time. Or not. 

I am predicting it will be my most divisive book yet. Early readers have said this story is a bit much. I am wholeheartedly fine with that. It’s over the top on purpose. That’s kind of the point. 

5.   How do you deal with negative reviews?

Refer to question #1. 🙂 I don’t allow them into my headspace. I have far too much yet to be accomplished for that. 

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