Tag Archives: regret

Chin Up, Girl. Chin UP.

Posted on by

0

“I have spent a good many years since–too many, I think–being ashamed about what I write. I think I was forty before I realized that almost every writer of fiction or poetry who has ever published a line has been accused by someone of wasting his or her God-given talent. If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try to make you feel lousy about it, that’s all.” ― Stephen King, On Writing

I’ve thought a pretty good deal about whether or not to post this….because in general I don’t believe in shedding light on negativity. The last thing I want is to add fuel to the fire. That said, I also believe that it’s important to set a precedent on how you expect to be treated. In the end, I thought about my children and how I’d want them to react if someone were treating them badly. And I’d hope that they would have the courage to not only stand up for themselves… but also for what they believe in. -B

This past week the world of author land (via the web) has been a relatively negative one. Which makes me pretty sad- because as a general rule I try and stay away from negativity and drama. But there are a few things in particular that I did want to address: I received my first few pieces of hate (e)mail. I’m not going to rehash or share what was said here…because in my opinion that would lend credence to it. I will say that it’s a waste of time sending me mean emails because I really don’t pay attention to what (hateful) people think of me. If one wants to send helpful critique… then by all means. Yes, my novel is dark (and some would even say twisted) which is why I’ve added a warning label- just about everywhere possible. It isn’t required reading material and as a consumer all major retailers have fairly generous return policies. As a writer, I stand behind my story. I do not read or respond to people writing for the sake of being mean.

Which brings me to the fire storm of press that author M. Leighton has received this week for taking her novel down because a few people couldn’t handle its dark content. I’m not inclined to judge this author or her motivations for un-publishing her work. I don’t know her but I can relate (a little) to how she feels. Putting yourself out there is inviting people to judge you. And it takes a certain type of grit not to give a shit- especially when their judgement is not in your favor. The thing about email, social media, and the internet is that it gives people a certain power. You can say (write) what you think while for the most part remaining anonymous. And because of this there are a whole crop of assholes out there just looking for an opportunity to utilize their newly found power. They say things they would never say to your face as though wielding a sword, waiting to stab the first thing that moves. It’s crazy. It’s the not funny- kind of funny. It’s sad. And yet their audience thrives on it. They feed on the drama of it all. As for me, I decided not to pay attention to it. I do however pay close attention to the energy I surround myself with- and it’s my belief that once you draw a line in the sand and let people know that you won’t tolerate their bad behavior… they get bored. And they do what bullies do… they move on to their next target.

So what I would say to M. Leighton (if she were a friend) is this: taking down your work but only after telling everyone it will be gone forever within the next two days…is going to seem a little bit overly dramatic to the general public. They will see it as a publicity stunt and one way you propelled yourself into the top 100. Unfortunately, there will surely be backlash in that, too. And it’s a choice you’ll likely regret. Because in the long run you’re letting your critics win. You’ll come to find for the very reasons that people wrote to say that they hated the book, will be the exact same reasons others love it. Either way, this decision as a writer is a personal one that is yours to make. And truthfully, it really isn’t right for me or anyone else to debate it. But don’t let temporary defeat stop you from doing what you love. Get back to writing. And chin up, girl. Chin UP.

“I don’t have time, energy, or interest in hating the haters; I’m too busy loving the lovers.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Flash Fiction RE: Absence

Posted on by

2

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone else happy, doesn’t make you nice. It just makes you a liar.” ~Jenny O’Connell

It’s time for another installment of Flash Fiction…. I wrote this post months ago about those in our lives who are present when the going is good but notably absent when the going gets tough. That said, there is no one in particular that this letter was intended for; but more like a conglomerate of people who have come in and out of my life. It wasn’t necessarily written to or about a specific person but more about expectations that went unfulfilled. And isn’t it always the expectation that gets us, that lets us down? Because the truth of the matter is (and the lesson learned) is to accept people for who they are and meet them there. Which is why I’m calling it flash fiction: “Fiction is the truth inside the lie.” – Stephen King

If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

Dear You Know Who You Are,

I have all of these questions…and I am wondering if you could help me answer them? These are things that I’ve wanted to ask for so long… but never have. And to tell the truth, probably never will. No, instead, I’ll keep on pretending. Pretending that this doesn’t bother me. That everything is ok. Picture perfect, just the way you like it. But resentment is the worst kind of bad. It tastes awful, looks worse, and always lingers far longer than you want it to.

Make no mistake, I’m following your lead. And taking notes in the process. Passive aggressive never really was my style. And yet here I am trying it on for size…..

Do you really think that you know me…know us just because you see brief snippets of our lives?

Does it bother you – that you don’t know? Do you give it much thought? Does it hurt you, the way it hurts me? Do you realize that it isn’t even myself I hurt for, but them, and yet, it hurts all the same. Worse, in fact. So much worse.

Is it easy to be present, engaged, when times are good, when it’s convenient yet notably absent when things are bad…or simply mundane?

I wanted more. Expected more.

Do you realize how much you are missing? That you’ll never get this time, these days, these years, back?

Do you care? How does it feel to know that you are letting people down? Does it taste as bad as resentment? Or is it all just the same to you?

Simply curious,

B

Know Your Worth.

Posted on by

2

“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.” ~Jo Blackwell-Preston

I swear when you have kids no one EVER tells you that you won’t sleep for a veryveryveryvery long time. What they tell you instead is that the first three months suck and then it gets better. I don’t know exactly just who “they” are but “they” are LIARS! Of course, I say that with all due respect. Perhaps, maybe “those people” are just blessed with magical children, who love sleep. For that alone, I hate them. Even at 7 and with the twins who are 3, I am still consistently woken up several times a week in the middle of the night. It may be a bad dream, a bloody nose, a bathroom trip, leg cramps or “I just want Mama!” but I swear I have three of the worst sleepers EVER. That said, this isn’t what this post is about at all. You see? I’m SO tired, I can’t even think straight! Actually, for once it was not my kids who woke me up this morning in the wee hours, at 3:48 AM. It was someone else. And she inspired this post. So at least some good came from it. Right?!?

My neighbors down the street (three houses down to be exact) consist of a couple of guys about my age (brothers, I think) who own a few bars down on 6th street. While they may be my age, their profession (and who knows what else) puts them about a decade behind the times. Truly confirming the saying “that age is just a number.” Hmmm. This sounds rather “judgy” huh? Totally not my intention. Sometimes, I’m even jealous that we’re both up at 4AM, for very different reasons. Anyway, long story short, there are a lot of comings and goings at their house. Of the female variety. Well….last night they must have upset the wrong female because at exactly 3:48 this morning she had a nervous breakdown of epic proportions outside of their house. For all of the neighborhood to see. At first, I thought something really bad had happened. There was screaming, pounding, wailing. And lots and lots of profanity. It was really quite the show.

That poor girl. Had she not likely been under the influence, it not been 3:48AM, and had I more energy, I would liked to have gone out and told her “Honey, NO man is worth this.” I know break ups are hard and it brought me back to a time where I too *may* have acted this way over a boy. Only I wasn’t drunk and it wasn’t 3:48 in the morning. Which in a lot of ways probably makes it worse. :)

While I can attest to the fact that love can make one temporarily insane (so can sleep deprivation, by the way!) I think it’s so important (especially as women) that we know our worth. It’s important not to settle. Or to allow others to treat us in a way that is demeaning. Most importantly though, we must not demean ourselves. I think the important lesson here is this: No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. We teach people how to treat us. When we allow ourselves to settle for less than best…. that’s exactly what we’ll keep getting.

Also, it’s oh so important to watch others actions versus listening to what they tell us. Saying is one thing. Doing is another. And everybody knows that actions speak louder than words. I’ve known a few people, in my time, who are SO eloquent in the words that they use. They come across as smart, confident, and successful. And yet, I trust only a fraction of what they say to me. It’s so interesting. Eye opening, really. At first, I thought I was crazy. Until I watched their interactions with others and I saw the body language at play. For one, I learned that I’m not all that crazy. And, two, I could tell that lip service will only get you so far.

Now, off my soap box and back to the point :( see, still tired!) If you accept whatever comes your way, then that’s precisely what you’ll get. You have to be discerning. It’s like knowing where you want to grow, and where you’re happy to stay the same. It’s boundaries, mostly. It’s knowing yourself. And it applies to everything.

You have to keep top of mind that YOU are a force to reckon with. You are someone to watch. The only person who can really know this is you. Your work, as a person, is to make everything you say and do speak to how awesome you are. No one else can or will do that work for you. I used to think that my sense of self worth could somehow be gifted to me by other people, but the real, cold hard truth is that other people take their cues from you. It all comes from you. Which is why it is essential that YOU know your worth. Not the worth of the person you are going to to be, not the worth of the person you could be, if only. I’m talking about knowing your worth as you are. Right now. Starting on this very day.

“If you’re wearing a disguise for too long, it will be difficult for the mirror to recognize you. At the end of the day I hope you become the person they didn’t expect you to be. Be proud to wear you.” ~Dodinsky

Stop Thinking. Start Doing.

Posted on by

0

How often do you think about or obsess over doing something instead of just doing it? Or at the very least get started on the task at hand. Sometimes, I think, we forget that there is a HUGE difference in contemplating something and actually doing it. There have been periods in my life, that I’ve been SO guilty of doing this. Don’t get me wrong, thinking things through, having a plan, and utilizing it, is a very good thing. But I used to take the thinking and planning part further than was really reasonable. I’d over think and let fear, or lack of knowledge, paralyze me. I’d think something to death, research something to death, plan something to death, before I’d actually take action. Sometimes, the process would go on for so long, I’d just lose interest in the project.

In the past, I used the “thinking strategy” in regards to the book I’m working on. I also used it with the things on my to do list. Instead, of taking action, I’d spend my time thinking (and worrying) about doing so. I’d use so much energy contemplating doing something, instead of on actually doing it.  I came to a point where I realized that the amount of energy I spent and wasted, thinking, was energy that I could’ve used, if I’d just taken action. I realized that if I’d just take the first step and get started it would get me a lot further than just thinking about it. I also had to stop making excuses for myself. Excuses like “Well, I’ll just wait until the twins start school.” Or  ”I’ll wait until we’re not so busy.” Now I understand that there is NEVER going to be THE perfect time.  Yes, as my kids get older, life will get easier, in some ways. But why wait? Why put my dreams on hold, until? Until this or until that. I had to take the word until out of my vocabulary.

That said, I’ve gotten a lot better. For example, I realized that the sooner I write this blog post, the sooner I can stop obsessing thinking about writing this blog post. The sooner I finish writing my  book, the sooner I can stop thinking about having to make progress on writing my book.

“Say What You Need To Say”…Thoughts From The ICU. Part 2.

Posted on by

0

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.” Erica Jong

Another day here in the ICU means that yes, I’m so tired, I can only think in song lyrics. John Mayer’s song “Say What You Need To Say” inspired today’s post. Watch my first ever vlog to hear my thoughts on “saying what you need to say” and then check out my favorite verse below. I apologize in advance, you’ll need to crank up the volume (they prefer quiet voices around here), the lighting could definitely use some improvement, and the talent some make up sleep. Next time….

Untitled from Britney King on Vimeo.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

P.S. I am so beyond grateful for each and every one of you who read here. I am most especially grateful for the calls, texts and offers of help. I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by the very best of peeps. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A Living Legacy

Posted on by

1

“The only thing you take with you when you’re gone is what you leave behind.” - John Allston

This past weekend I attended a memorial service for a great man. What is interesting is that while I didn’t know him well, I actually felt as though I really knew him, based upon his legacy. What I mean is, what he built while he was here and what he left behind, now that he is gone. Most of us tend to think of a legacy as something that we leave behind when we’re gone. What I’ve come to realize though, is that our legacy is built well before we die. It’s what we do while we’re here. What kind of difference we make. Who we help. How far our arms reach. That said, that’s exactly what I meant when I mentioned knowing him based upon his legacy. Working for the company he built were a few of the best years of my life, thus far. What I wrote on my FB status update pretty much sums it up: “Celebrating the life of a great man, a pioneer in Austin Real Estate Dev, a man who cared a great deal about others and whose company taught me the very essence of what it really means to work hard/play hard.”  

His memorial service was beautiful. It was amazing to see how one man had managed to touch and make a difference in so many lives. There was a particular story that really got me. It was the story told by a pastor from Mexico. He and his family now live in San Antonio but he explained how back when he first started his church (in Mexico) many many years ago, Mr. Coleman sent him a check for $35. This man never forgot this. What got me (and makes me teary now) is that I get that it wasn’t so much about the money as it was about the gift the man really got by receiving the check. It was the knowledge that someone believed in him. Disguised as $35. I immediately thought of the Maya Angelou quote “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my “legacy.” What is it that I want to leave behind? And in knowing what that is, how do I work each day to make it a reality? This is hard. You see, none of us really want to think about death. But the truth is, and what slapped me upside the head today, was the finality of life. We are all living on borrowed time. Tomorrow is not a promise, but a gift. The only real question is how we are going to spend the time we have left. What is truly important?

After thinking about it for quite sometime I realized what it means (for me) to live life full out. To work hard and play hard. I decided to start by making a list of things that are important to me. My intention was just to write a short list to add to my vision board. Interestingly, what came to me was in prayer form:

“Lord, grant me the courage to be vulnerable. Give me the wisdom to understand how my actions affect others. Grant me the ability to see that each of us really are not all that different. Encourage me to give with a willing heart. Let me be the reason for someone else’s happiness. Give me patience. Help me to understand that I don’t need all the answers. Allow me the willingness to be told and to tell the truth. Most of all, make me slow to judge. Quick to forgive. And easy to love. Amen.”

I encourage you to come up with a list that matters to you. What do you want to do with the time you’ve been given? How can you live life to the full? Ask yourself, what legacy am I leaving today? Don’t wait. There’s no better time than NOW.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”  -Robert Byrne

Beginnings.

Posted on by

0

“I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.” – Steve Jobs

You’ll probably see many Steve Jobs quotes around here. I really admire him. Many people say that he was cut-throat and horrible to work with. That I’m not sure of (would’ve loved to have found out) but I also see a huge visionary, someone who paved the way, and left behind an amazing legacy. I love that he was so passionate about and in love with the work he did. I truly believe that is what made Apple products so amazing. He and the Apple team were consistently learning. Of course, he made mistakes, but he was willing to admit as much. I particulartly love what he says above about being a beginner again. About being less sure of everything. You see, we were all born knowing very little. And over our lifetime, we accumulate skills, knowledge, abilities, and expertise. What I often wonder though is why some of us keep learning while others stop at a certain point?

Those that stop get to the point that they don’t want to look foolish, they don’t want to appear as though they don’t have their act together, so they stop trying new things. They’re afraid to reach out and ask for help. So they get left behind.

In today’s world, things are moving way too fast to stay where we are. We must be open to new ideas, new experiences, new learning opportunities. We must be willing to evolve, reinvent, and redefine ourselves.

And sometimes this means being a beginner. Starting from scratch. It means not having it all together. It means being willing to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to grow.

It means reading books, going to classes, seeking coaching, attending events and trying new things. It means getting really comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t tell you to do something I’m not doing myself. In the last couple of months, I’ve read an obscene number of books (Steve’s Bio being one of them), started this blog, launched Austin Women’s Network (just a tad scary), went from working part-time at NetworkInAustin.com to putting in full time hours, and in the process learning a TON. I’m going to be honest, it’s scary, admitting that you don’t know certain things, that you’re navigating uncharted territory and that you don’t have it all together. It can be terrifying to admit that you’re a newbie, a beginner. In the business realm, you can quickly get eaten alive by doing this. Especially, if you align yourself with the wrong people. That said, most people are amazing. They’re willing to help and guide you. All you have to do is ask. But here is the most important part, make sure you seek out the right people. Always, ask, ask, and ask again, before you are willing to trust someone with something important. What I mean is, ask for referrals. If the same persons name keeps coming up, chances are, you are on to something. It’s important to truly vet the person and make sure they are trusted and respected in the particular area they are advising you on.

I challenge you to make a commitment to learn something new in the next 60 days. Be brave. Try something you’ve wanted to try. Be a beginner. It’s ok! Do it. I promise, it’ll open up your world.

“Whatever you do or dream you can do – begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


Where I’m going, where I’ve been…..

Posted on by

1

“Promise me that you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh.

First of all, I need to be honest. I’ve debated and debated about posting this here. This is extremely personal for me and something I question sharing with the world. That said, I decided to go ahead with it. I figure how can I write day in and day out here about being yourself and sharing what you have to offer if I’m not willing to do the same? How can I tell others to play full out, if I’m not willing to do so myself? So here goes….

I have to admit that writing this post was very bittersweet for me. No, it was just plain hard. You see, it’s SO easy to sweep our struggles under the rug and forget about them. Often times, thinking about the past in relation to struggle brings up a lot of unpleasant feelings. Feelings of perhaps failure or regret. I want to encourage you to think about where you’ve been though. Only then can we really see how easy it is to get where we’re going.

Also, I realize that their are new readers here, readers who don’t know me the way my last audience did. They may stumble across this blog and think it’s just fluff. Which made me think, if I want to take them with me where I’m going, it’s probably pretty important that they know where I’ve been….

So who am I? Who exactly is Britney?

No one has the time or the energy to read my whole life story. Even if they were remotely interested. So, I decided to make it easy and go with bullet points:

  • You could say I learned how to network early in life. The hard way. By moving around a lot and attending seven different elemenaty schools, all before the fourth grade. In the third grade, my brother and I learned to transfer 3 times on different Metro busses through downtown Houston to get to school. He was just in the first grade. This was speed networking, at it’s finest.
  •  I was at different times in my life raised by both my maternal and paternal grandmothers. My parents divorced when I was very young and after the age of nine, neither played a very active role in my life.
  • As I mentioned above, I have one brother. He is 16 months younger than I am. After my mom left, he and I made the decision (when I was nine) that we wanted to live with my paternal grandmother “Nannie” permanently.
  • That was the first best decision I ever made.
  • Shortly after deciding this, at the tender age of 10, I met my now ex-husband. We became fast friends.
  • Four years later we found ourselves pretty bored one summer. Parents: if you think summer camp is expensive try becoming a grandparent.
  • At the age of 14 we had our first baby.
  • I went from being a popular, audacious girl to being alone with almost no friends. Who in the world wants their teenage daughter to be friends with the girl with the baby? I totally get this. I made it hard for my peers parents. I made them afraid. I was smart and I had goals. I was student of the month, at fifteen, with a job, and a baby.  I wasn’t a bad kid or a troublemaker. I was just someone who perhaps didn’t fully understand the consequences of her decisions. But really, who does at 14? Needless to say, high school was not the best time for me. I went to school in the morning and worked in the afternoon. My evenings were filled with homework and the sweetest, cutest, smartest baby EVER.
  •  Just a week shy of turning 17, we had our second son. Nine months after that we got married.
  • At 17 years old, I called up and convinced a landlord to rent us our first place. A two bedroom, tiny duplex off of Brodie Lane. I worked overnights at Randall’s as a cashier. He worked days as a waiter.
  • Fast forward 18 months and we were divorced.
  • I typed up, filed the papers, and went to court by myself. No attorney. No idea what I was doing.
  • I found myself a single mom , with rent to pay, in community college, working part time, 18 years old with two little boys to support. I promptly quit school and went from part time student/employee to full time single working mom. It’s one of my biggest regrets, not finishing my degree. Someday though. It’s on the list!
  • Remember, this was all BEFORE the internet. Back when, if you needed to find a job, or a place to live, or to figure out how to be a mom (i.e. why your baby is screaming at all hours), there was no such thing as Google. GASP! I know, hard to believe, huh.
  • About a year after getting divorced, while attending a friends birthday party (in a country bar of all places!) I met my second, current (and hopefully last) husband. He asked me to dance and I turned him down. I was not looking to dance or date. I was especially not looking for a relationship. To further cement my decision, he was finhishing up his final semester of college and was at the time unemployed. He also came from a very Christian, straight-laced family. I’m NOT at all implying that this is a bad thing. But as you can imagine, I knew they would not be thrilled if he brought a young girl who had two kids (and had been divorced) into the picture. Yep, I was certain, he was not the one for me. And yet, for some strange reason, I gave him my phone number anyway.

And as they say, the rest is history. Or to be continued anyway…….

P.S. Always, always remember:

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” Dr. Seuss