Tag Archives: gratitude

Chin Up, Girl. Chin UP.

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“I have spent a good many years since–too many, I think–being ashamed about what I write. I think I was forty before I realized that almost every writer of fiction or poetry who has ever published a line has been accused by someone of wasting his or her God-given talent. If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try to make you feel lousy about it, that’s all.” ― Stephen King, On Writing

I’ve thought a pretty good deal about whether or not to post this….because in general I don’t believe in shedding light on negativity. The last thing I want is to add fuel to the fire. That said, I also believe that it’s important to set a precedent on how you expect to be treated. In the end, I thought about my children and how I’d want them to react if someone were treating them badly. And I’d hope that they would have the courage to not only stand up for themselves… but also for what they believe in. -B

This past week the world of author land (via the web) has been a relatively negative one. Which makes me pretty sad- because as a general rule I try and stay away from negativity and drama. But there are a few things in particular that I did want to address: I received my first few pieces of hate (e)mail. I’m not going to rehash or share what was said here…because in my opinion that would lend credence to it. I will say that it’s a waste of time sending me mean emails because I really don’t pay attention to what (hateful) people think of me. If one wants to send helpful critique… then by all means. Yes, my novel is dark (and some would even say twisted) which is why I’ve added a warning label- just about everywhere possible. It isn’t required reading material and as a consumer all major retailers have fairly generous return policies. As a writer, I stand behind my story. I do not read or respond to people writing for the sake of being mean.

Which brings me to the fire storm of press that author M. Leighton has received this week for taking her novel down because a few people couldn’t handle its dark content. I’m not inclined to judge this author or her motivations for un-publishing her work. I don’t know her but I can relate (a little) to how she feels. Putting yourself out there is inviting people to judge you. And it takes a certain type of grit not to give a shit- especially when their judgement is not in your favor. The thing about email, social media, and the internet is that it gives people a certain power. You can say (write) what you think while for the most part remaining anonymous. And because of this there are a whole crop of assholes out there just looking for an opportunity to utilize their newly found power. They say things they would never say to your face as though wielding a sword, waiting to stab the first thing that moves. It’s crazy. It’s the not funny- kind of funny. It’s sad. And yet their audience thrives on it. They feed on the drama of it all. As for me, I decided not to pay attention to it. I do however pay close attention to the energy I surround myself with- and it’s my belief that once you draw a line in the sand and let people know that you won’t tolerate their bad behavior… they get bored. And they do what bullies do… they move on to their next target.

So what I would say to M. Leighton (if she were a friend) is this: taking down your work but only after telling everyone it will be gone forever within the next two days…is going to seem a little bit overly dramatic to the general public. They will see it as a publicity stunt and one way you propelled yourself into the top 100. Unfortunately, there will surely be backlash in that, too. And it’s a choice you’ll likely regret. Because in the long run you’re letting your critics win. You’ll come to find for the very reasons that people wrote to say that they hated the book, will be the exact same reasons others love it. Either way, this decision as a writer is a personal one that is yours to make. And truthfully, it really isn’t right for me or anyone else to debate it. But don’t let temporary defeat stop you from doing what you love. Get back to writing. And chin up, girl. Chin UP.

“I don’t have time, energy, or interest in hating the haters; I’m too busy loving the lovers.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

What He Said. + Time For A Teaser.

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“I think I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in so many ways. I’ve just come out of five years of very difficult times for numerous reasons and yet at the same time it’s lead to such growth. It’s very exciting that way.” - Erin Gray

It’s not everyday that the youngest of your five children turn FIVE years old on the very same day that you receive your first five star review. It’s the power of five, I guess :) That said, I am so excited to share the review with you. The fact that it is written by a man…well, is just an added bonus. ;) Truthfully, I wasn’t sure if Bedrock would appeal to men. Thanks Paul of Little Ebook Reviews for letting me know that it can!

Dear Britney,

 Thank you again for the file and for reaching out. I just posted a review on amazon.com and on my blog. I enjoyed “Bedrock”. I was surprised in a sense because it is not necessarily the type of book I go for but it was very interesting, gripping and entertaining.

Best regards and well juggled!

Paul Little

The review: “Bedrock is captivating and interesting. As a book it tells a number of stories from the lives of the characters which gives a feeling of depth. At its heart, though, this is a story about choices and the opportunities that life throws up. There is love, betrayal, intriguing personalities and lovely scene setting. This is a book with plenty of adult themes and while not graphic in detail it is not shy about its content. There is also something just beyond real about this book, somehow just too much neatness comes out of the chaos at times.Bedrock hits a fine balance and I found this book to be very entertaining and gripping and once started I found it difficult to stop reading, to read what was to happen next.This is an excellent debut and surely Britney King has a juggler’s skill.”

Also, I missed posting a “Tuesday Teaser” yesterday but that’s the story of my life…always a day late and a dollar short. :)

Any who, better late than never, so here you go….

An excerpt from Bedrock:

As the elevator started to climb, Addie turned her attention back to her phone, waiting for Jessica’s reply.

“Don’t you think it’s strange how two people can be standing inches from one another in such a confined space and yet hardly acknowledge one another?” the deep voice behind her said.

Addie looked up, her eyes meeting his in the mirror.

He didn’t wait for her reply. “I’ve always thought so anyway.”

Addie smiled nervously. For the first time, she really took notice of the man. He was tall and very handsome: dark hair, piercing blue eyes, dressed impeccably. Probably gay. Men this beautiful usually were.

He extended his hand. “I’m William Hartman. And no, I’m not gay. It’s a pleasure to meet you. What did you say your name was again?”

Holy shit. Did I say that out loud? Addie swallowed nervously, pretty sure she hadn’t. This man was clearly messing with her. She hadn’t said her name. Two can play at this game.

P.S. Over on Goodreads almost 200 of you have added Bedrock to your shelves. THANK YOU! I am so grateful. And 356 people entered my last giveaway. Wow. FYI, there is another going on now. So hop on over there and check it out.

What She Said.

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“Critics are sentinels in the grand army of letters, stationed at the corners of newspapers and reviews, to challenge every new author.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

I’ve been meaning to post these reviews of Bedrock for a while now. In the interest of full disclosure, I have been a little hesitant because they’re reviews by my beta readers and to be openly honest and transparent… my beta reviewers are all people who are close to me in some way. That said, because of this I was afraid that they would all say that they loved it –even if they didn’t. Any writer knows this is not what you want when dealing with beta readers and critique. Thankfully, a few of them loved it as it was and made minor suggestions here and there. But even better a few of them challenged me beyond what I expected. I’m going to share a few of the reviews here including one from a blogger who is not particularly close to me. Even though she ultimately decided not to review my book via her blog or give it away to her audience, I loved her email SO much it nearly brought me to tears. Because here’s the thing: God bless bloggers. God bless those willing to take the time to read and/or review my book(s).

I understand that not everyone is going to love what I write. And (for the most part, I am human after all) I’m ok with this. In this business you have to be. :) I respect that everyone has a right to their opinion and I’m just grateful that they would take the time to read my novel. As an avid reader myself, there have been books that I’ve read that didn’t particularly resonate with me at the time I read them. However, if they’d come at a different time, say six months earlier or six months later, then perhaps it would’ve been a different story. Pun intended. :) That’s just the nature of being a reader and/or a writer. It’s all subjective.

The other day as I was trying to get some writing done I decided that my house was too lonely and quiet (it’s amazing how with five children you become accustomed and even dependent on the noise) so I flipped on the TV for background noise and an old SATC episode was on. It was Carrie’s book launch party (great timing!) and the premise of the episode was Carrie being reviewed in the NYT and thus was asking “When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?” It must have been fate that I caught this episode (I rarely watch TV these days) because I realized that I was doing exactly that. One nasty review (by a stranger) and I’m upset for an entire day. But give me half a dozen good ones by people I love and suddenly they don’t “weigh” as much?!? Why? Because the people writing them happen to love –or at the very least like me? I called bullshit on that and quick. Which led me to finally get off my rear and share them here. :)

Check out the awesome email I received by the blogger that made my day. I redacted her name to protect her privacy/because I wasn’t given permission.

Hey there!

I just finished your book – it was a quick read! I have to be honest and say that while it was fun, it was a little “50 Shades” for me. I’m not a fan of that style and have published several rants about 50 Shades so I don’t think I’d be the right person to review or giveaway your book. 
I’m sure you’ll be hugely successful with it, and get tons of rave reviews! 

Best,

Name redacted.

SERIOUSLY, SHE COMPARED BEDROCK TO FIFTY SHADES OF GREY! THAT is a GINORMOUS compliment to me and HERE IS WHY!!

“Begged for more!! Eagerly awaited each chapter to arrive in my inbox. Such a great read… Can not wait for book #2!!” – Monica Roberts

“Very steamy! Can’t wait to get to work tomorrow so I can print chapters 10 & 11. I’m ready for the next chapter. What’s taking so long?!?” – Denise

“I was disappointed that there wasn’t a new chapter waiting for me this morning. When I’m done with this I’m probably going to have to pay you to write books just for me.” - Monica Roberts

“Ummm…I just finished reading Bedrock and I felt like the story was just starting. Are you writing book 2 yet?!?! Great book!”- Jordan Pierce

“Started reading Bedrock yesterday…I’m liking it. It’s dark…” - Polly Lockman

Anyhow, bad reviews or good, the book is coming out. It’s written. What’s done is done. It’s either hit or miss. So from here… I just have to keep my head down and do what writers do. Write and improve. Oh and by the way, I heart what Fiona says.

“But I honestly don’t read critics. My dad reads absolutely everything ever written about me. He calls me up to read ecstatic reviews, but I always insist that I can’t hear them. If you give value to the good reviews, you have to give value to the criticism.” - Fiona Apple 

The Story Behind The Cover

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“Writing the book was itself a process of concealing and revealing.” - Rick Moody 

Warning: This post contains the word vagina. If you are averse to the word vagina, you’ll probably want to stop reading here. :)

Drum roll……please.  So…today is THE day. I think it’s a good day for a cover reveal, don’t you?  First though, I thought it might be fun to share the story behind the cover….

You see, for the past ten years or so I’ve talked on and off (alright…sometimes incessantly, it depends on who you ask) about writing a book. I’ve always been a heavy reader and so anytime that I’d read something really good (or really terrible) I would often comment that I should finally starting writing “the book.” But life got busy, as life does, and I found myself nearly a decade later no closer to having written the novel.

Until, last year on my 30th birthday my husband presented me with this:

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As you can see above, in it he had drawn me a picture of one my favorite flowers (an orchid). When he gave it to me I clearly remember him saying something along the lines of: “Here. This is to write your book in. Now shut up. Quit talking about it. And just write the damn thing already. Will ya?!” Now I’m sure in actuality whatever he said was much nicer than that. But that’s what I heard.

And so I did. I wrote the book. 

When the time came time for the cover design I knew exactly who I would turn to. I’d already decided that I’d ask my husband to provide the cover art and my good friend and amazing designer, Polly to do the design work. Only my husband was knee deep (or neck deep, really) in a work project of his own and it quickly became apparent that if I continued with my usual shenanigans of ”I want this/not that” and/or “change this/change that”  he was either going fire me as a client or fire me as his wife. And since we can’t have that happening, I came up with the idea of using the flower in the journal he had given my for my 30th birthday The only problems was… it had no real relevance to the story. Crap! However, since desperate times call for desperate measures I decided to just write it in. And voila. Just like that…problem solved. I was able to retain my husband and had cover art I liked.

Next, I started showing people different versions of the cover and asking their opinion. And you wanna know what I learned while doing my market research? That my friends are dirty. They’re dirty, filthy minded people. God, love ‘em.

Every single one of them said the exact same thing:  ”Britney, do you realize that your cover looks like a vagina?”  Sigh. Ok, so it’s been noted :-/

 With that in mind…and without further ado…check out the cover for, Bedrock.

Come on. Seriously. Get your head out of the gutter, people. It’s nature! ;)

P.S. A HUGE thank you to Hunter and Polly for working so hard. They deserve a medal for putting up with me.

What’s It About? The Truth: Sometimes it comes with a warning label…

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“If you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second-to-least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.” – Stephen King

It’s amusing that I’m writing this on April Fool’s Day. It’s not a joke. Promise.

Today I’m breathing (a little) sigh of relief. Yesterday evening, I hit the send button and off the editor my novel went. I DID IT! I WROTE A NOVEL!

It wasn’t easy, there were many times I’ve questioned (and still question) just what in the hell I’m thinking. There have been times I’ve felt like an actor portrayed in an action film, dodging bullets left and right; yet who somehow still manages to come out alive. And wearing a smile nonetheless. I realize that we all feel like that from time to time in life. But I’m writing this because I want to encourage you, no matter what it is you’re working towards, to keep going when the going gets tough. Keep going on the days or weeks (or months) when it seems that everything is conspiring against you and every shitstorm that appears is a sign you should just give up. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And eventually you’ll get there. It’s inevitable. I’m telling you this because for me each time an obstacle presented itself, I saw it as a sign. When something unexpected occurred, as it always does (two back to back car accidents, lots of sick kids, the deaths of two of the most important people in my life) I’d say to myself: Maybe this isn’t right. Here’s your chance to quit. Come on, there’s nothing wrong with quitting. And….ah, hell you’re not quitting…you’re just changing direction. But somehow I kept at it, knowing that I’d set out to do this…I set out to write this novel and by god I was going to do it.

Somewhere along the way though I realized that it was about more than just setting out to do something and doing it. It was about realizing a dream. It was about falling down and getting back up. It was about learning and not being afraid of all there was to learn. My god, there was so much to learn. But most importantly, it’s about opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s about laying it out there and being able to say take it or leave it. Like it or don’t. Judge me…tell me what you think. It was about taking feedback and accepting criticism. It’s about saying this is me (partially anyway) and this is what’s in my head. These are the things I think about. These are the questions I ask myself. And when I say this, I’m not referring to characters in the book; I’m referring to who I am as a writer.

That said, one of the questions I’ve been asked often has been: what’s your novel about? And to be honest, I’ve struggled a little bit with how to answer that. I’m not sure exactly why… but for some reason (I think) people have assumed that I was writing humor or non-fiction. Or that I was writing about life as a mother of five. So to then say to these people that what I’m writing (is FICTION) and it’s sometimes dark and is laced with a little profanity has been interesting to say the least. I think it’s funny when I hear authors say, “my books target market is…anyone who loves to read.” Because I will tell you right now…my novel isn’t for just anyone. Due to heavy subject matter and sexual content it’s recommended for mature readers. It’s not for those offended by profanity and/or sexual content. Part suspense, part thriller, it’s about surviving and thriving in spite of the odds. But over all, deep down at its core…it’s a story about love.

So…. without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to my first novel entitled, Bedrock.

Bedrock is a love story designed to showcase how the choices we make ultimately shape our lives. It serves as a reminder that in the end what defines us is not the big events, the monumental occasions. It’s the tiny, seemingly inconsequential moments in between. It’s proof that time passes and we cannot, no matter how hard we try, get it back. Bedrock is a story of love and grief that pretty much sums up the context of the human experience.

When Addison Greyer, a happily married mother of three, decides to re-enter the workforce, she never once considers that taking a job might unravel everything she thinks to be true about her life—that it would cause her to look deep within and confront fears she didn’t know existed. She couldn’t have foreseen how a chance meeting or a single day can change the course of an entire lifetime.

Like many women, Addison is defined in terms of marriage and motherhood, until she suddenly finds her life turned upside down by her husband’s decision to take a job thousands of miles away. When her tough-as-nails boss offers her an opportunity she can’t refuse, Addie is forced to make difficult choices. Those choices take her further and further out of the carefully crafted fairytale life she has created and lead her into an unknown world where things are anything but black and white: a world where she learns that desire is not only dangerous but deadly. In this world, all bets are off as she is forced to finally confront her past. As her past and present collide, she has to make decisions that for most are unthinkable, decisions that can tear her family apart, and perhaps even have fatal consequences.
P.S. Thank you for reading here…and as always for your support.

Doing Less. Being More.

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“We are most productive when we focus on a very small number of projects on which we can devote a large amount of attention.” ~Albert Einstein

I read something this morning that really stuck me: “Perfection is the enemy of everything. We all want it. None of us will ever get it. Even though nobody in the world has ever achieved perfection in their craft, we still believe that it’s possible for us. Even if it were possible, it’s not preferable. Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he’s a little bit of an asshole and no one invites him to their pool parties.” LOVE IT! It’s such good, incredibly truthful advice….and yet so easy to forget, if we are not reminded.

I’ve recently been offered some amazing opportunities. And have unfortunately had to say no many of them. I’m not sure exactly what is going on here….is the Universe trying to tell me something? Teach me the power of saying no? The art of discernment? I’m not sure…I only know that the decisions have been hard. After all, I can be AND do all things, right?!? Sadly, the answer is a BIG FAT NO! I cannot. And neither can you. There is this myth floating around that we can do whatever we set our mind to. It’s like that commercial for women that tells us we need to go out get the bacon, bring it home, and fry it too. ”The 24 hour woman.” It’s the myth that we can be all things to all people. This ideal that we can have it all.

The truth is that we can’t have it all. For me, I’ve found that “having it all” means having what it is that I desire-just not necessarily all of it, at the same time. Really, though this just means finding a handful of things that are important to me and focusing the majority of my attention on those. For example, I’ve been bombarded by requests and questions about why I’m not on Pinterest. I think (from what little I know) that Pinterest is great. But quite honestly, I do not have the time to devote to another “hobby” and even more importantly WHY on earth would I want to sign up for one more thing that leaves me feeling like “I’m not enough?” I’m not crafty enough, my kids birthday parties aren’t like so and so’s. And the list just goes on and on. This is my issue, obviously. But why take something on, just because “everyone else is doing it”? I’m not saying never to Pinterest, I’m just saying not now. And for those of you who are on Pinterest and love it, I think that’s great. I’m just sharing my personal story about trying to avoid the next “shiny” thing (distraction) that I’m told is destined to bring me closer to achieving my dreams.

I think too many people (myself included) make the mistake of adding to our plates with out stopping to remove something. It’s exactly like eating a meal. We can only put so much in before we start to feel sick, overwhelmed, and tired. We have to decide what we are going to put on our plate and what we are going to leave off. When we add something, it’s essential that we remove something. In order to make room. It sounds simple, yet so many of us fall into this trap time and time again , all the while asking “How DID I get myself into this?!?!”

I’ve recently decided to start doing less. While BEING more. You see, I’ve learned that my daily incessant busyness — too much to do and not enough time; the pressure to produce and tick off items on my to-do list by each day’s end — seems to decide the direction and quality of existence for me. But if I approach my day (and ultimately my life) in a different way, I can consciously change this out-of-control pattern. It only requires the courage to do less.

This may sound easy, but doing less can actually be very hard. Too often we mistakenly believe that doing less makes us lazy and results in a lack of productivity. Instead, doing less actually helps us savor all that we do accomplish. In time and with practice, we learn to do less of what is extraneous, and engage in fewer self-defeating behaviors, so we craft a productive life that we truly feel good about.

I believe that if we can fully own the notion that “we are great, just as we are.” And really let it seep into our mind and body, into our bones, it will make all the difference. We are each born with all the wisdom and imagination we need; we just sometimes need help and a reminder to return to our senses and get out of our own way. Sometimes we just need to let it sink in that nothing extra is required.

The truth is you have everything you need; just let go of whatever distractions, fears, and busyness might be hampering you. It really is that simple. Allow yourself to think and feel and live that way. Acting from this place results in greater composure, and when we act with composure, we are more effective. Now, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t lessons we need to learn and areas that we need to grow. It just means that we already have what we need inside of us. The answers are inside. Sometimes, it just takes the courage to realize this.

We know deep down that every life has great meaning, but the meaning of our own can often be obscured by the fog of constant activity and bad habits. By recognizing and changing these beliefs and behaviors, and we can once again savor the ways we contribute to the workplace, enjoy the sweetness of our lives, and share openly and generously with the ones we love. Less busyness leads to appreciating how sacred (and truly short!) life is.

It’s strange but for me doing less has lead to more love, more effectiveness and internal calmness, and a greater ability to accomplish more of what matters most — to me, and by extension to others and the world.

I encourage you to take a look at your schedule, your calendar, and really evaluate how much the things on there mean to you. How important are they? Are they allowing you to live the life you deserve? Do they bring you joy? Or do you just do them because you feel you have to? It’s what you’ve always done. Have these things (tasks) become so routine you rarely notice anymore? I challenge you to take a look. Start doing less. It will allow you to be so much more.

“The way you create any outcome in your life is to hold the vision of your deepest desires. At the same time, though, you must honestly and accurately assess your current situation and how it relates to your greater vision. By doing this, you engage tension between what is and what can be. This tension is the primary creative force behind the manifestation of any outcome. It’s as natural and powerful as the force of gravity”.~ David Emerald

Know Your Worth.

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“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.” ~Jo Blackwell-Preston

I swear when you have kids no one EVER tells you that you won’t sleep for a veryveryveryvery long time. What they tell you instead is that the first three months suck and then it gets better. I don’t know exactly just who “they” are but “they” are LIARS! Of course, I say that with all due respect. Perhaps, maybe “those people” are just blessed with magical children, who love sleep. For that alone, I hate them. Even at 7 and with the twins who are 3, I am still consistently woken up several times a week in the middle of the night. It may be a bad dream, a bloody nose, a bathroom trip, leg cramps or “I just want Mama!” but I swear I have three of the worst sleepers EVER. That said, this isn’t what this post is about at all. You see? I’m SO tired, I can’t even think straight! Actually, for once it was not my kids who woke me up this morning in the wee hours, at 3:48 AM. It was someone else. And she inspired this post. So at least some good came from it. Right?!?

My neighbors down the street (three houses down to be exact) consist of a couple of guys about my age (brothers, I think) who own a few bars down on 6th street. While they may be my age, their profession (and who knows what else) puts them about a decade behind the times. Truly confirming the saying “that age is just a number.” Hmmm. This sounds rather “judgy” huh? Totally not my intention. Sometimes, I’m even jealous that we’re both up at 4AM, for very different reasons. Anyway, long story short, there are a lot of comings and goings at their house. Of the female variety. Well….last night they must have upset the wrong female because at exactly 3:48 this morning she had a nervous breakdown of epic proportions outside of their house. For all of the neighborhood to see. At first, I thought something really bad had happened. There was screaming, pounding, wailing. And lots and lots of profanity. It was really quite the show.

That poor girl. Had she not likely been under the influence, it not been 3:48AM, and had I more energy, I would liked to have gone out and told her “Honey, NO man is worth this.” I know break ups are hard and it brought me back to a time where I too *may* have acted this way over a boy. Only I wasn’t drunk and it wasn’t 3:48 in the morning. Which in a lot of ways probably makes it worse. :)

While I can attest to the fact that love can make one temporarily insane (so can sleep deprivation, by the way!) I think it’s so important (especially as women) that we know our worth. It’s important not to settle. Or to allow others to treat us in a way that is demeaning. Most importantly though, we must not demean ourselves. I think the important lesson here is this: No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. We teach people how to treat us. When we allow ourselves to settle for less than best…. that’s exactly what we’ll keep getting.

Also, it’s oh so important to watch others actions versus listening to what they tell us. Saying is one thing. Doing is another. And everybody knows that actions speak louder than words. I’ve known a few people, in my time, who are SO eloquent in the words that they use. They come across as smart, confident, and successful. And yet, I trust only a fraction of what they say to me. It’s so interesting. Eye opening, really. At first, I thought I was crazy. Until I watched their interactions with others and I saw the body language at play. For one, I learned that I’m not all that crazy. And, two, I could tell that lip service will only get you so far.

Now, off my soap box and back to the point :( see, still tired!) If you accept whatever comes your way, then that’s precisely what you’ll get. You have to be discerning. It’s like knowing where you want to grow, and where you’re happy to stay the same. It’s boundaries, mostly. It’s knowing yourself. And it applies to everything.

You have to keep top of mind that YOU are a force to reckon with. You are someone to watch. The only person who can really know this is you. Your work, as a person, is to make everything you say and do speak to how awesome you are. No one else can or will do that work for you. I used to think that my sense of self worth could somehow be gifted to me by other people, but the real, cold hard truth is that other people take their cues from you. It all comes from you. Which is why it is essential that YOU know your worth. Not the worth of the person you are going to to be, not the worth of the person you could be, if only. I’m talking about knowing your worth as you are. Right now. Starting on this very day.

“If you’re wearing a disguise for too long, it will be difficult for the mirror to recognize you. At the end of the day I hope you become the person they didn’t expect you to be. Be proud to wear you.” ~Dodinsky

Why Are You Here?

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“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.” —Jim Rohn

Why am I here? And what am I here to do? I know these are age old questions. But I think about these things a lot. Also, I recently re-read A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle which got me thinking even further. I wonder how many of us actually know our life purpose? And what would happen if we did?

I truly believe that the farther away we are from knowing these answers, the unhappier (and less successful!) we tend to be. I think not knowing makes us feel restless. We go through life lacking contentment.

That said, if I asked you why you’re here, on this planet, at this time, would you have an answer? Do you know what your life purpose is? Does it guide you?

Here’s a hint: It’s Bigger Than Your Goals!

Your purpose transcends your goals. It goes beyond what you do for a living. It’s the big picture. It answers the question, “What are you here to do?” It’s inspiring, engaging and clear. It creates a feeling of significance. A focus for your life. Identifying your purpose enables you to choose what to give your time, energy, and attention to rather than being sidetracked by distractions.

I think in finding your purpose there are three critical things to start with: knowing who you are, why you’re here, and what you want.

As an added bonus, now that I know what I’m here to do, I’ve learned to say, “no” to things that aren’t aligned with my purpose.

You may be wondering, “How the heck do I get clear about my life purpose? That sounds like a massive undertaking!”

It’s really not as huge as it sounds. Here’s a process for you. 5 Steps to Clarity:

  1. Identify your UDQs. My what?!? I’m talking about your unique, distinctive qualities. Qualities such as curiosity, integrity, commitment. To get these, think about how you’d describe yourself. Or perhaps qualities that others have pointed out to you. If you’re stuck, ask a few friends what they think your distinctive qualities are. As part of a planning process I used for this year, I did this. It was quite interesting to see how others perceived me, and how similar and different they were from my own perceptions.
  2. Consider the impact you’d like to have on the world, and on those you interact with. How will people and the world be better off as a result of your having lived your purpose? Dream about this a little. Or a lot, actually. Imagine it happening as if you are watching a movie.
  3. Make a list of as many action verbs as you can think of. Try each one on. Circle those that get you excited, that speak to you. Then narrow it down to two or three. Examples of action verbs might be such things as build, motivate, educate, defend, discover, communicate, share, produce, work, explore, and improve.
  4. Figure out who you’re here to impact or help. Remember, we’re going for clarity here. Be as specific as possible.
  5. Combine your work in the first four steps into creating a Mission Statement. Play with the words. Combine them in different ways. Write down your purpose, go off and leave it for a while, then come back to it. Is it simple? Clear? Easy to understand? Does it inspire and excite you? Even better, does it give you goosebumps? Remember, this statement can (and should) change. Often times, the more we grow (and the clearer we are) the bigger our vision and therefore mission becomes.

When you have your statement complete, post it where you will see it. Carry it with you. Take it out, look at it, and think about it each day. It will provide you with inner guidance, direction, and focus. And I believe wholeheartedly that it will lead you to everything that will support it. At the very least, it will give you the permission to say, “no” to the things that don’t.

Put Your Blinders On

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“The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort.” Colin Powell

Racehorse trainers use blinders because they believe that blinders keep the horse focused on what is in front of him, encouraging him to pay attention to the race rather than other distractions, such as crowds. Additionally, blinders are commonly seen on driving horses, to keep them from being distracted or spooked, especially on crowded city streets.

In the past, I’ve certainly made the mistake of taking “my blinders off.” I’ve allowed myself to get distracted. I’ve taken my eye off of the prize. And I’ve spent energy on things (and people ) that didn’t deserve it. In the process, though, I’ve learned major lessons. But that’s what growth is right?!? It’s making mistakes and learning from them. Course correcting just as soon as you realize you’re off track.

That said, I’ve learned a few things lately due to what I’ll call “growth experiences.” The outcome has been that I realized I have to “put my blinders on” and stop worrying about what others think. Or what they are doing. Personally, I don’t think it is entirely possible to completely stop caring what people think of us, and I don’t think that is such a bad thing. We are social creatures and this is how we learn. Still, it’s essential not to spend too much energy worrying about other people’s motives or agendas. It is a waste of time. Also, when you compare yourself, it takes energy away from focusing on YOUR dreams. Worst of all, it can make you doubt yourself. And that’s the opposite of what it takes to live confidently. It’s SO important to compare yourself only to your personal best. This will allow you to stay focused.

Below I’m going to show you how I learned to “put my blinders on”, stop comparing myself to others, and how I became genuinely happier in the process.

I learned (and/or re-learned) these tips. Perhaps, they will help you:

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be wealthier, but they will never be YOU. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love you.

Quit spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. Never, ever spend time with someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst, that make all the difference.

Don’t over think it. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress, trying new things, and growing involves risk. Period! You simply can’t make it to second base with your foot still on first.

Refuse to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success should be a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Do not allow others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Take a break. – The time to take a break is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Quit blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. Plain and simple. Plus, when you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility, and in the process you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you wake up each and every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

So….how about you? How do you stay focused? Please feel free to share below.

Where’s the joy?

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“Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.” ~Chinese Proverb

My Grandma was finally discharged from the hospital yesterday and was moved to a rehab facility. Yay! While I was visiting her at the rehab facility yesterday evening, I met and struck up a conversation with her 93 year old roommate. In a matter of a few hours, I’m pretty sure that I heard (most of) her life story. And, oh my, was it interesting. She told of being born in 1919 in Savannah Georgia and what her life was like. She spoke about driving an 18 wheeler, cross country. She’s only about 4 feet tall! Her husband, at one point, became a trucker to support the family, and she’d ride along with him. When he got too tired to drive, she’d take over. She spoke of the highlights of her life and some of the lows too. I truly loved hearing her story. And I’m pretty sure she loved telling it.

While I was there the nurse would come in and help them with different things and at one point helped with their bathroom business. It was at this point, I started thinking about what losing our independence must feel like.

Then, I started thinking about just how fast life can pass us by, if we’re not careful. Later, as I was leaving, I noticed the twins former pre-school next door to the rehab hospital and thought of how ironic it is, that they are there, next to each other. Beginning of life. And end of life. So very much similarity in them both.

As I was thinking about this, it REALLY hit me, how very short our time here on earth is. If the average life expectancy for Americans is 78.1 years, that means I’ve almost used up half of my time here. That is, if I’m lucky enough to live to be “average.” Wow.

Once this sank in and after hearing how much joy this lady had in her life and how grateful she is to have had it, I realized that I need to live with more joy. I need to really enjoy my time here. I need to move about my day feeling joyful. I mean, overall, in life, I’m incredibly happy with how things are going. I know that I’m incredibly blessed. But can I honestly say that I move through each day with joy? Do I feel joyous on a daily basis?

I have to admit, usually, the answer is, no. Having five children, with three of them still being so dependent on me, I find it SO hard to really appreciate the menial tasks and to be in the present moment with them. There are always so many things to think about, so many worries about the future, about getting everything done. Time feels like the enemy and most days I feel like I’m in a constant battle with it.

For example, while I’m giving them a bath or putting them to bed, often times, my mind is racing into the future, thinking about what I need to do next. I try and enjoy this time, because I know, I’ve already lived through this, and understand that time with them when they are little is fleeting. Soon enough, there will be no more bed time stories, no more “just one more kisses”, no more sweet heads of freshly washed hair that fit just perfectly in the crook of my neck. They DO grow up. Yet, I know all of this, and still, I rush through these moments, wondering how quickly I can get done.

That said, following my experience yesterday, I realized a few things need to change. In order to start living more joyfully, I need to be fully present, focused on the now, on the task at hand. The future will take care of itself.

I’m a huge fan of Dr. Wayne Dyer and I believe he offers some insight here : “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This made me think of a quote I once read: “Work is love made visible.” I know I need to do today’s work with more love, more joy. This way, when I’m dead tired at the end of each day, and I’ve given all of me that there is to give, I won’t be tired from having worked. I will be tired from having loved.

The question is how do we choose joy? Below are a few tips and ideas I think can help:

  • Whenever possible, say yes to what gives you energy. And no to what drains you. Do what you love to do. Work in your “sweet spot.” Plain and simple. Everything else is worth saying no to.
  • Hang out with other joyful people. And refuse to commiserate. Bad moods are contagious. For example, I’ve noticed that 80% of the Facebook status updates I see lately are negative. People whining and complaining. While I have to be on FB for work, and I throughly enjoy seeing what people I know are up to, I’ve really restricted my usage to what MUST be done and closely monitor who I associate with.
    “The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate – for the good and the bad.” – Colin Powell
  • Take 10 minutes for yourself. Carve out time. Make time. You see, I’m pretty good at hiding from my kids. Yes, homework needs to be checked. Dinner needs to be made. Laundry needs to be folded. But these tasks will all seem more do-able (and possibly even enjoyable) if I’m calm and have a clear mind. Sometimes, at our house, we even make a game of it. It’s called “Mama’s hiding again.” But half of the time they never even notice I’m gone. And although there is usually a disaster to tend to when I re-appear, at least, I have a clear head and renewed energy upon which to focus on it. So, set a timer if you have to, and do whatever you want for 10 minutes. Read a book. Listen to music. Meditate. Hide in the closet with a glass of wine. Or ice cream. Not that I would know anything about that, though….
  • Use Affirmations. Pick a mantra–and repeat it. My mantra is “Lead with your heart, and the rest of you will follow.” Positive affirmations can help you stay focused when you’re stressed. They can bring you back to the present, help you see the good and feel joyful. The wine and/or ice cream really helps too.
  • Notice something new – Anything. Just notice – and appreciate – something you didn’t notice before.

I hope you can find joy in today. I don’t mean to wait until tomorrow. Or the next day. Because, surely, it will be better. I mean, find it today, this day. After all, it’s all we’re really guaranteed.

The only other thing I would like to add is to really take stock of where you are. Are you doing what you love? Are you spending time with those that you truly want to be with? Is your focus on what it should be on? Are you choosing joy?